Life Motherhood Pets

Gangsta Fish

About a year ago my mom went out and bought a Beta fish.  She bought the thing an enormous glass bowl, live plants, Roman fish statues and rocks made of Swarovski Crystal.  She religiously cleans its gigantic residence every week and fills it with expensive purified water to ensure its…

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Motherhood

Because I Said So

About a week ago my six year old informed me that I “RUINED HER LIFE” and slammed her door because I told her she could not go out and ride her bike since her room was a mess.  Now, most of you would be dismayed at this type of unruly,…

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Life

Boot Camp

My friend Paige is a personal trainer.  Our daughters go to school together and she teaches a popular fitness class for women called “Boot Camp”.  For those of you who may not be aware, this is a vigorous exercise routine that simulates a military work-out sans selling your soul to…

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Family Life Pets

Lucky Nipples

I was driving along a busy road to pick my daughters up from school, when I saw a dog playing frogger in traffic.  Now, if there is anything I have a weakness for, it is Italian men and dogs (particularly of the jacked up puppy mill variety). I just knew…

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Life

Seriously?

A couple months ago, my 4 year old and I went up to the store to get some crayons.   When we came out, a woman was standing by my car with her hand on her hip and a surly expression on her face.  She pointed to my car and…

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Life Motherhood

What’s Grosser Than Gross?

My mother used to tell me “It doesn’t matter how you look on the outside, if you are pretty on the inside.”  This was before she knew I was capable of growing dermoid cysts on my ovaries.  This particular type of cyst can grow teeth, hair and all sorts of…

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Children

Cheek Swab

Mike and I used to live on some property out in the middle of nowhere.  I am not altogether a huge nature fan, but we had cable and my family couldn’t find me, so I was relatively fine with this arrangement until we decided to start reproducing.  It did not…

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Childhood Life Parents

The Mystery Animal

Every summer growing up, my father would load up the Ford Windstar mini-van and take my 3 siblings and me to southern California to see our grandparents.  My ultra-conservative, Christian grandparents lived in a gated old person’s neighborhood where there were approximately a gazillion rules.  They took special care to…

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