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Category: My Mom

Life My Mom

Liquor Stores and Magic Crystals

A month ago, my precious, delish, hilarious mom fell and broke a rib and her leg which, ultimately required major surgery.  Unfortunately, this rendered her an invalid and because I am a self-sacrificing soul of altruism, I am now one of her caretakers. Actually, I just drive her around and…

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Life My Mom Pets

Cat Tales

“I want to be just like my mom, except with fewer cats and figurines.” -Myself, 35 A few months ago, my mom purchased a pair of designer kittens.  Even though I am really allergic to cats and the military previously inflicted torture upon detained terrorists by forcing them to drive…

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Family Life My Mom Pets

Extra Crazy Cat Lady

It has been two weeks since my mom’s cat, Mr. Whiskerpuss, passed away.  My mom was utterly devastated, sooooo I took it upon myself to find her another obscenely expensive, purebred kitten to fill the void.  Mike was adamant that I ask my stepfather, Bob, before I bought the cat…

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Life Motherhood My Mom

Happy Motha’s Day

My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner.  She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine.  “The minute you were born you shit all…

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God Latest Life My Mom

Oops I Joined A Cult

My 9-year-old was at her second violin lesson last Sunday when her teacher came out and informed Mike and I that our kid was feeling dizzy.  We walked over to check on her as she stumbled around, white as a ghost and told me she was going to be sick. …

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Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Mom On Fire

Mike put me on a budget.  Wait, it gets funnier.  I actually have to explain what I am spending money on not just to Mike but to an accountant whom I am now referring to as my other husband.  Do you have ANY idea, ANNNNNY idea, how weird it is…

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Family Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Fairy Hell

A few days ago I took my kids to the park and they discovered the remains of a raccoon that had obviously been shanked by some gang member coyotes. Kids:  MOM CAN WE TAKE SOME BONES HOME?! Me:  No. Kids:  (Hyperventilating)  PLEASE MOM PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?! Me:  Oh My God.  That is…

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Family My Mom Pets

Pussy Whipped

During Easter brunch at my house this year, my mom told us she had to go to the emergency room when she was nineteen years old for severe stomach pain.  Apparently, a resident doctor came in to examine her and coldly informed her that she was in the final stages…

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