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Category: Motherhood

Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Mom On Fire

Mike put me on a budget.  Wait, it gets funnier.  I actually have to explain what I am spending money on not just to Mike but to an accountant whom I am now referring to as my other husband.  Do you have ANY idea, ANNNNNY idea, how weird it is…

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Life Marriage Motherhood Pets

The Circle Of Life

Me: I am going to find new homes for Vinnie and Pearl.  I am the ONLY thirty-four year old woman I know that has pet lizards.  The kids have NOTHING to do with them since their tails unexpectedly fell off while they were holding them.  Thankyouverymuch for failing to inform…

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Depression Family Friends Marriage Motherhood

Everyone Loves Me

My children went back to school a few weeks ago.  I had been counting down the nanoseconds for this day since the end of June.  In fact, when I took them back-to-school shopping the week prior I actually said, “Stop licking each other” void of any emotion whatsoever.  We took…

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Family Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Fairy Hell

A few days ago I took my kids to the park and they discovered the remains of a raccoon that had obviously been shanked by some gang member coyotes. Kids:  MOM CAN WE TAKE SOME BONES HOME?! Me:  No. Kids:  (Hyperventilating)  PLEASE MOM PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?! Me:  Oh My God.  That is…

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Life Motherhood

The Couger

A few weeks ago we were having dinner when the neighbor kids from down the street rang the doorbell.  They asked if my daughters could spend the night in the trailer that their dad had parked on the driveway at their house.  Our gated community has swimming pools, parks and…

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Marriage Motherhood Pets

Mr. Whiskerpuss

It is Steve Jobs fault that I now own a cat.  Last week I went into my daughter’s room and made the astute observation that her pet lizard, Pearl, had died.  How did I know?  Its face was pressed awkwardly against the aquarium and when I tapped on the side…

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Life Marriage Motherhood

U Mad Bro?

I don’t want to make you feel even worse about yourself if you are a shitty parent, but I fucking kill it as a mom.  My daughters are cool chicks.  I would probably hang around them even if I wasn’t forced to, except that would be like totally creepy.  The…

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