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Category: Motherhood

Family Latest Life Motherhood

Dear Daughters

Dear Daughters, I know you are all at ages where listening to me is utterly monotonous. I get it. Trust me, Dad has felt it for 15 long years. However, I am asking you to read this and then you can go right back to your phones, iPads, and laptops.…

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Latest Life Motherhood

Have A Ball

The first time I saw a human ball was when I was 10 years old. Calm down. I wasn’t molested. I was over at my grandma’s house playing outside when her husband walked out onto their patio, smoking a pipe and wearing a pair of nylon jogging shorts. He casually…

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Motherhood

Evil Stepmother

I was recently asked to write an article for a friend of mine’s “Mommy Monday” series on her wholesome mom/fashion savvy blog (www.whatsupbuttarcup.blogspot.com) regarding blended families. I honestly have no idea if she will publish my article. I said shit. And weed. Actually, now that I really think about it…I bet…

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Motherhood

Deer Antlers And Tonsils

Last week my youngest daughter had her tonsils out.  I was an absolute fucking wreck because she was with a world renown surgeon, in a really nice hospital and this extremely complicated surgery was going to take somewhere between fifteen to twenty minutes minutes.  I watched as they wheeled her…

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Life Motherhood

Life Lessons

North Korean Dictator, Kim Jung Un, finally resurfaced after he had been MIA for a few weeks.  I called Crime Stoppers to tip them off that he was working as a private contractor in my children’s school district.  I suspected Kim had been hired to assist with the implementation of…

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Life Motherhood Pets

Leave Me Alone

*I rarely drink.  *= I rarely drink except when I am trying to get pregnant (I legit prayed to God that my kids would not have big foreheads and even doubled up on my prenatal vitamins just in case) annnnd when my family has literally driven me to the brink…

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Marriage Motherhood

Mom Of The Year Again

I was outside planting flowers when my daughters informed me they were having a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway.  Concerned that their projected profit margins were superficially deflated based on their chosen location, which lacked both visibility and traffic, I conceded to their pleas and allowed them…

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Life Motherhood My Mom

Happy Motha’s Day

My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner.  She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine.  “The minute you were born you shit all…

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