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Family Life Marriage Uncategorized

Grunt Grunt

Cavemen/women divorce rates were exactly the same as they are today.  I reached this startling conclusion when I woke up this morning to 7 piles of Shih Tzu puke and 2 pissy children.  I called Mike to thank him for leaving the barf for me.  He said he knew nothing…

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Life Marriage

The Secret To Mike’s Success

A couple days ago Mike went and met with our accountants to discuss something called taxes (?).  Whatever.  I refused to go because last year I was so bored I kept stabbing myself in the leg under the table with a fork and counting spilled sugar granules to stay awake. …

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Life Marriage Motherhood

Suppositories and Negotiations

Do NOT underestimate the wrath of a tonsil or an adenoid.  Those seemingly harmless protuberances of tissue have stealthily developed nuclear weapons, created an army of Kim Jong’s North Korean clones complete with weird flag ceremonies and then sit there, waiting, planning, collecting tiny bits of bacteria…..  And then with…

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Family Marriage Motherhood

Do Not Scare A Motha

I was discussing my New Year’s Resolution of “Cereal Tolerance” with my mom the other day.  She excitedly told me she was giving up “her very last addiction!” “Sex?” I asked.  “Eew gross, I gave that up years ago.  I am giving up Nicorette Gum!”  I asked her if I…

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Life Marriage

A Christmas Miracle

Every year for Christmas I like to buy a sexy little outfit for Mike to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.  Last year I bought Naughty Mrs. Claus.  Did you know they sold different size pasties?  Me neither.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  This year I decided to keep it simple and bought an expensive sexy pair…

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Family Friends Life Marriage Motherhood Pets

Oh Lighten Up

I have not been able to update my blog for the past week due to unforeseen circumstances: I didn’t feel like it.  Now, before I can get to the juice I have some business matters to address.  At Thanksgiving, I learned through the grapevine (my family) that a certain genetic…

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Friends Life Marriage

Don’t Call Me Edward

Earlier today I was at the zoo with my daughter when I received a phone call from my friend Vanessa: Vanessa:  Hi Erin!  Jeff and I are going to go see the new Twilight movie tonight and we wanted to see if you and Mike wanted to go with us!…

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