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Category: Marriage

Marriage Motherhood

Mom Of The Year Again

I was outside planting flowers when my daughters informed me they were having a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway.  Concerned that their projected profit margins were superficially deflated based on their chosen location, which lacked both visibility and traffic, I conceded to their pleas and allowed them…

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Family Friends Life Marriage

Rolling The Fat

My pregnant friend, Mer, just sent me a text of herself at the OBGYN’s office.  I texted her back that she needed to go study the poster of cervixes on the wall since the last giant one was going to be hers soon.  She responded that there was also a…

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Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Mom On Fire

Mike put me on a budget.  Wait, it gets funnier.  I actually have to explain what I am spending money on not just to Mike but to an accountant whom I am now referring to as my other husband.  Do you have ANY idea, ANNNNNY idea, how weird it is…

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Life Marriage Pets

My Dog Has A Drinking Problem

I was sitting outside freezing my ass off in the middle of the night waiting for my puppy to whiz when I glanced up at the sky and thought about what a genius the person was that started “selling” stars.  Um…okay…let me see here, I am going to say I…

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Life Marriage Motherhood Pets

The Circle Of Life

Me: I am going to find new homes for Vinnie and Pearl.  I am the ONLY thirty-four year old woman I know that has pet lizards.  The kids have NOTHING to do with them since their tails unexpectedly fell off while they were holding them.  Thankyouverymuch for failing to inform…

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Depression Family Friends Marriage Motherhood

Everyone Loves Me

My children went back to school a few weeks ago.  I had been counting down the nanoseconds for this day since the end of June.  In fact, when I took them back-to-school shopping the week prior I actually said, “Stop licking each other” void of any emotion whatsoever.  We took…

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Family Life Marriage Motherhood My Mom

Fairy Hell

A few days ago I took my kids to the park and they discovered the remains of a raccoon that had obviously been shanked by some gang member coyotes. Kids:  MOM CAN WE TAKE SOME BONES HOME?! Me:  No. Kids:  (Hyperventilating)  PLEASE MOM PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE?! Me:  Oh My God.  That is…

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Family Life Marriage Travel

Paging Dr. Whimmer

On our first wedding anniversary I poured my heart and soul (although hollowed, I still have one.  Bite me) into a card for Mike.  I then waited with eager anticipation as he handed me his card which read: “Erin- We have had our ups.  We have had our downs.  Happy…

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