Let’s get this party started!!!!! My mom used the bathroom at the airport. She came out laughing and informed us that two Hawaiian dudes were in there cleaning the Women’s Restroom while all these chicks were using the bathroom. Their mops kept slopping up against her feet while she peeing. When she stood up she accidentally dropped her expensive tube of lipstick down the crapper where it automatically flushed despite her frantic attempts to salvage it.
*My daughters realized they could fit in the bedroom drawers at the hotel. This is where they spent the majority of our vacation because it was “more fun than the ocean.”
*We took the kids on a two hour helicopter ride around the island. My children, whom have NEVER taken a nap in their ENTIRE lives, promptly fell asleep and thoroughly enjoyed their $1000 siesta to spite us.
*Walking back to our hotel one evening we came across a reenactment of Polynesian spear wielding warriors. The dudes were almost naked and kept running up to people pretending to impale them, while sticking their tongues in and out really fast, screaming loudly and hunching their backs. Of course my family started cracking up amongst all the ooohhhh’s and awwwww’s of our fellow tourists. I made a mental note to use this method upon our return to wake up the girls in the morning.
*I reminded Mike countless times to “watch the girls veeeerrrry carefully in the pools because I do not trust their swimming abilities.” I took my eyes off my daughter for five seconds to blow up a raft and Mike screamed “ERIN!!!!!!” from across the pool. My daughter was floundering in the water. I jumped in fully clothed to rescue her and refrained from giving Mike any further parenting instruction.
*The girls and I made mermaid tails out of the sand in our swimsuits. I told Mike it was probably a good thing he did not get “lei’d” on this family vaca after all because his penis would have been substantially filed down.
*Mike and I sat through a mandatory time share meeting which is worse than a meeting with our accountants because texting is strictly prohibited, HISS. There are 4,322 holes in a piece of Hawaiian ceiling tile. I lost count and had to start over four different times because this stupid lady would not shut up so we could go have fun. We were like “Hi, we are closing on one too many of our houses on Tuesday next week. We are not adding to our collection of pointless real estate. Later.” She told us we “were making the biggest mistake of our lives.” Mike said “Um, no I am not,” looked at me and started laughing.
*My boobs kept me afloat the entire time.
*The hotel made a mistake and had us departing a day early. Mike was supah pissed and grabbed his standard vacation manila folder (I know, I know, sigh) to go down and show the front desk that he was the epitome of organization. He was fired up and storming out the door while my mom and I were lounging on the couch watching Khloe and Lamar. I happened to glance up and informed him he had his shirt on inside out. This set my mom and me into a fit of hysterics because we like to make fun of serious and/or mad people.
*My stepdad wore a Speedo type swimsuit. Yes, I am equally disturbed as to why this made my highlight’s list.
*We took the girls to a “Luau” one night. I expected to see some hula girls etc. Nope, there was a ripped, hairless, Hawaiian guy covered in oil, wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of tight blue jeans dancing seductively while rubbing his chest. I wanted to stay to teach the girls more about Polynesian culture but Mike and my stepdad made us leave. It was sooooooo lame of them.
*For the grand finale, we took the girls swimming with the dolphins. My mom refused to go saying she saw a documentary about dolphins being ferocious and possessed by the devil. I told her she was exaggerating. She told me that she would miss us but thanks for the Hawaiian memories. The dude that helped us into our life jackets was missing 3 toes. We went in anyway….
Honestly, I had a great time petting the porpoise (yep, that just happened). We learned all sorts of fun facts about blow holes blah, blah blah….The trainer had the dolphin flip over on his back for a final pat and that is when it happened…..THE DOLPHIN PROCEEDED TO SHIT, repeat SHIT, repeat SHHHHHHHHIIIITTTTTTT all over me. The girls and Mike tore out of the water screaming.
I was absolutely paralyzed in laughter, afraid to move because I was going to pee in the water. The trainers were super embarrassed and tried to tell me that “the dolphin was just super comfortable around me” “partial refund etc. etc.” But alas it was to no avail, I was laughing waaaaaayyyyyy too hard. And because I was absolutely inconsolable, everyone else started laughing too and I peed in the dolphin pool. It was a total fucking chaotic mess that we now have on video!!!
Yep, it was pretty much just another typical Moroni vacation. XO