Okay, we have processed and are finally ready to talk about it…Deep breath…
I was recently contacted by a Coolsculpt representative who wanted Erin and I to have our fat frozen off in exchange for a review of the procedure. Technically, I did not consult Erin prior to agreeing to this, but she owed me. Erin took us to get Brazilian waxes on our last field trip together and then laughed hysterically when I insisted she drive me to the hospital to get a rape kit after. I decided 6:30am was the perfect time to call and inform her of what we were doing.
Erin groggily answered her phone in what I perceived to be a rather bitchy tone until I told her she was getting her fat removed via Coolsculpt. “Oh My Goth Listha! Thatsth So Cool!” Jesus Christ. Who still still sleeps with a retainer when they are 37 years old? I told her to meet me at ImageMD Medical Spa and to plan on being there all day.
We arrived at the spa and were immediately greeted by two totally hot, super cheerful, fat freezing technicians who ushered us back to our room. I decided it would be best if they just pointed out the fat on our bodies because they were the experts. I volunteered to go first since Erin would probably take longer. She hasn’t worked out in five months because she just had knee surgery.
Much to my surprise, they actually found fat on me. Um wtf, it’s not like I wake up and do Pilates everyday for my health. I stood there in disbelief as they affixed their fat freezing vacuums to me. The first five minutes of the procedure hurt like holy hell until my tissue went numb. The next fifty minutes were mildly uncomfortable. Annnnd then it came time for them to massage the frozen stick of butter that had formed on my body.
I almost fucking died. Yep. Right there. In a beautiful spa. I was in absolute AGONY teetering on the brink of consciousness. I swear I saw Jesus reach down to slap my face or maybe it was Erin, I always confuse those two. It hurt worse than childbirth and I have an exceptionally small vagina. I guarantee this was what Kanye’s mom felt like right before she died during the elective cosmetic surgery she had done at that seedy strip mall. The technicians assured me everything was okay and that some people have this reaction.
Somewhere deep inside me I summoned the will to keep going. In fact, I even went on to complete my second round of Coolsculpt. I look at life much differently now following my near-death experience. I am a much happier, more evolved person now. Especially since I know in three months, my fat will be all gone.
Eye roll. Um…Coolsculpt does NOT hurt. Oh and the Brazilian wax? I simply needed to avenge myself after Lisa took us to that nasty Korean bathhouse and only by the grace of God, eluded a venereal disease. Lisa insists that the only reason Coolsculpt didn’t hurt me is because I am void of feeling as a result of my anti-anxiety meds. Truthfully, it probably has more to do with the fact that I am not a total pussy.
The secret to getting painless Coolsculpt is to simply schedule your appointment in July or August after you have been stuck at home with your fighting children for two solid months. This way, you trick your brain into thinking you are taking a relaxing break. If you are burdoned by guilt for indulging yourself for superficial reasons, rememeber that they are probably a contributing factor as to why you are there in the first place.
Personally, I found the whole experience to be quite enlightening. Literally and figuratively. Before Coolsculpt, I was planning on attending one of those spiritual vision quests where people walk across hot coals and sleep in hot yurts to find themselves. Instead, my angelic spa technicians/spiritual guides helped me see that it was just back fat I couldn’t let go of. So I froze it off. All of it. I am not a hoarder.
Spiritual transformations, although necessary, are not always pleasant. I did go home and totally shit my brains out for a few days. At one point, I pulled my weak, dehydrated body off the toilet and out to my car to search for the post-care instructions that I never bothered to read. Apparently, diarrhea is a “potential” side effect. Nowhere did it say “You will definitely shit your pants trying to get home from the grocery store.” This was probably on the forms I signed prior to getting Coolsculpt. Whatever.
I now realize that uncontrollable diarrhea is simply part of the transcendent process. In addition to ridding myself of back fat, I also managed to purge my soul of toxins, water, electrolytes and other essential nutrients. One week out, my sides are still a little numb and swollen, I feel fine and I am deeply considering becoming a back model once my fat dissipates in a few months.
Would I do it again? Oh hell yes. Would I bring Lisa? I honestly don’t know. We are currently in couple’s therapy. Taking it one day at a time. XO
We will keep you posted on the final results. Colorado Folks- ImageMD Medical Spa is amazeballs. Huge Fans