Motherhood

Deer Antlers And Tonsils

Last week my youngest daughter had her tonsils out.  I was an absolute fucking wreck because she was with a world renown surgeon, in a really nice hospital and this extremely complicated surgery was going to take somewhere between fifteen to twenty minutes minutes.  I watched as they wheeled her little, tiny body into the operating room and yelled “I LOVE YOU!” in a shaky voice before I burst into hysterical sobs, buried my face in Mike’s arm and wiped snot on his sleeve.

Thirteen torturous minutes later her doctor came out to tell us she did great, her tonsils were nasty even by his standards and she was waking up from anesthesia asking for the pretty woman who works at the front desk of her school.  High Five Me.  I am positive this just means she is securely attached to me.  Mike and I rushed to her side and she whispered, “Mom I totally heard you crying.  I told the nurse you were really dramatic.”

I happen to know firsthand that this surgery sucks ass since I too, am a survivor.  I was deeply comforted by the kind woman who assisted me in registering my daughter at the hospital a few days prior to her surgery.  Our conversation went as follows:

Kathy Bates:  I am SO glad I finally got ahold of you.

Me:  Oh, I’m sorry.  Did you try to call multiple times?

KB:  (Exasperated) No, I tried five minutes ago and no one answered.

Me:  (Silent with squinty eyes, slight head tilt)

KB:  I just wanted to make sure you know to have her here at 6:30am, bring your ID, insurance card and $902.00.

Me:  Got it.  ID, insurance card and $900 bucks.

KB:  $902.00

Me: Copy that, I will scrounge up some change in my couch.

KB:  I would rather have a baby than have my tonsils out again.  When my daughter had it done, she refused to eat or drink so I gave her an IV and she spent two days with her IV hanging off the deer antlers in my family room.  I wasn’t paying no emergency room co-pays.  My other son is nineteen and had two DUI’s and a baby.  Kids are a pain.

Me:  You administered an IV by yourself and the deer antlers, two DUI’s…wow.  (Me holding the phone away, breathing into a paper bag.  WTF, WTF, WTF.  I got back on the line)  On a totally unrelated note…this surgery is taking place in the United States and not south of el boarder correct?

KB:  (Monotone) Yes.  Remember $902.00 and don’t be late.

I don’t actually own a pair of deer antlers so I was super grateful one of my readers offered to lend me her bad boys pending my daughter’s condition (Knuckles Erin P.)  I then watched two YouTube videos on how to insert IVs.  I was NOT going to fuck this up like Mike did when he came home with flu shots years ago.  He attempted to give our then three year old daughter a shot.  She swiftly kicked him in the face, punched him in the balls, wrangled away from him and ran around the house screaming with a needle hanging out of her arm.  Yep happened.

Anyway, my extensive preparations proved to be unnecessary as this particular child apparently feels no pain except when she is told the word “no”.  She handled the surgery like a boss, swallowed some tylenol because her throat “stung a bit”, begged to go back to school the next day, snuck downstairs to swing her golf club before I yelled at her to get back in bed and took 34,573,935,739,058 pictures on my phone of the nasty scabs in the back of her throat.

I would theorize there was a mix-up at the hospital when I gave birth and some wholesome, athletic, religious couple out there ended up with a cynical little smartass daughter, who swears, is obsessed with Nordstroms, rescues dogs, loves makeup and therapy, plans on marrying either a doctor or an oil magnate and yet, despite her quirks…is totally irresistible and everyone loves her except for them.  I know this isn’t true however, since my kid looks exactly like Mike (and she never actually left my boobs in the hospital or for two years after that.)

Hope you all have a glittery, fabulous rest of the week!  Thanks for the love, it totally worked!!! XO

 

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