One of the four neighbors whom I actually like moved right before Thanksgiving. She needed some help moving some miscellaneous items like a propane tank and a gas can that apparently wouldn’t fit in her giant car (?), so I graciously loaded them into mine and made the trek into the city. I decided to bring one of my daughters with me since my kid has never been outside our gated community and I think it is important to expose them to other cultures on occasion.
We unloaded my car and my ex-neighbor asked if we wanted to walk down and get lunch at some hipster cafe. Personally, I think she was just stalking her new neighbors so she would know who to call to remove the mangled snakes from the motor of her water feature like I used to do for her. God, I am going to miss her.
We were strolling along when my former neighbor asked my kid if she had ever had a leaf fight. She picked up a pile of leaves and threw them at my daughter. My daughter started giggling and tossed some back at her. A YouTube kitten video would have thrown up. You would honestly never even know a gang member was shot and killed in the exact same spot a week prior.
My ex-neighbor reached down to grab some more leaves, but accidentally grabbed a pile of dog shit instead. I honestly don’t know what is about someone flinging shit at my kid, but it freaking RUINS me every time. I was laughing so hard I spilled my overpriced, urban municipality purchased latte complete with a modish foam design.
Moving on, Mike and I got into an argument this week when my new car, Janice the Unicorn, was hit by an iceberg. Essentially, it would be like giving the survivors of the Titanic the silent treatment for two days because they didn’t see their iceberg until it was too late. What a bunch of dumbshits right? Mike acted like I woke up on the morning Janice was assaulted and had the lucid thought: “I am bored today and I have an extra $800 in the bank. Whatever shall I do? I know! I will go find a piece of ice and back into it! Thanks Brain!” Eye roll.
After two days of not speaking, I decided to be the grown up like usual. Using “I feel” statements, I informed Mike that I felt he was acting like a selfish asshole for not supporting my hobbies when I have ALWAYS supported his. “Erin- I am going golfing for a week with my friends.” Peace out. “Erin- I need you to sign these documents because I decided we are building a building.” Neat. Yawn. “I am going to go to an opium den with some Chinese guys on Sunday.” Just kidding. He never said that, I would have laughed super hard and begged to go with him.
Mike stared at me, “Hitting bumpers is not a ‘hobby’ and your flippant ‘sorry’ was insincere.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Remember all the times I ran into the garage with my old car and didn’t tell you? This is precisely why. Actually, you know what? Now, I am PISSED. The only time you compliment me is when I wreck a car. ‘You sure did a good job on that one! Wow, you really nailed it! blah blah.’ You didn’t even ask if I was okay like a normal husband would.”
“Erin- You thought someone did a hit and run while your car was PARKED.” At this point, I was super bored with the conversation so I decided to end it. “You love your ex-wife more than me and you think I am fat, I just know it.”
Honestly, I don’t even know where the fuck that came from. Shit, I even love his ex-wife. I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about breaking a heel on my new Jimmy Choo pumps until I became super sad and a tear fell down my cheek.
Mike hugged me tightly and told me he was sorry for overreacting and that he loved me. I forgave him because that is just the kind of person I am. Marriage can be so trying at times.
Anywho, I have my new, new bumper now. I went to H&M Collision in Castle Rock and they did a perfect job. Annnnnd because they didn’t screw me over…I am doing some FREE advertising for them. Like right now. Pay attention. H&M Collision = Amazeballs. Happy New Year Everyone! Go manifest some greatness!. Love to you all! XO