A month ago, my precious, delish, hilarious mom fell and broke a rib and her leg which, ultimately required major surgery. Unfortunately, this rendered her an invalid and because I am a self-sacrificing soul of altruism, I am now one of her caretakers. Actually, I just drive her around and say things like, “You should take a muscle relaxer” or “Do you want another muscle relaxer?”
My mom has been completely stoic and optimistic about the whole ordeal until last week when I came to pick her up for physical therapy. I walked in the door and she said, “I don’t think my Lexapro is working anymore. I am feeling a little depressed and I started a fight with Bob (my stepdad).” Don’t ask Erin. Do.Not.Ask. “Oh no. What happened mom?” Erin- You are a fucking moron.
“WELL, I AM STUCK IN THIS HOUSE. BOB CAME HOME AND HE DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT I CLEANED THE CAT BOXES AND PUT ON MAKE-UP AND THEN HE WANTED TO GO MOW THE LAWN BEFORE HE ICED MY LEG AND THEN I WAS SUPER MAD BECAUSE THE BATHROOM SINK WAS CLOGGED AND I HAD TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY BUT DID HE FIX IT? NOOOOO, NOT UNTIL TODAY. AND I TOLD HIM THIS WAS NO PICNIC FOR ME.” I nodded. What an asshole.
I gathered up my mom’s belongings and helped her get into my car. “Your new car is too high.” I wish I was. “I am sorry mom. I will trade it in for something more suitable to your needs this evening.” I parked in front of her physical therapist’s office and helped her inside.
I was just getting her settled when an angry receptionist came stomping over and yelled at me to go move my car immediately blah blah blah. My expectations of my fellow human beings are admittedly modest but, I draw the line at forcing cripples to hobble lengthy distances for fun. Psycho bitch. However, I handled it maturely. I calmly moved my car, walked back inside and told on her.
After my mom was finished with her session, I asked if she would like to go to a liquor store. I needed to get a gift certificate for Bob for his birthday/dealing with her. My mom became instantly hyper and suggested we go to a particular liquor store….thirty minutes away. Even more convenient, there was a magical rock and crystal store that she loved in the same strip mall as the liquor store.
We went to the liquor store and then drove around searching for the rock/crystal store. My mom kept saying, “Erin- I know it is here. There is a hidden door you have to go through. I used to go there all the time.” Exasperated, she finally said, “Just park here and go into that Chinese restaurant and ask. I think it is in there unless they moved.” “Okay Mom, so just to clarify, you want me to go into a Chinese restaurant and ask where the ‘secret crystal store’ is?” My mom nodded enthusiastically. Jesus Christ.
I got out of my car and walked up to an older woman who appeared to be the owner. I asked her where the “crystal room” was. It suddenly occurred to me she probably thought I was an undercover cop trying to bust her for the human trafficking sweat shop she was running on the side. In what I perceived to be a rather defensive tone, she said, “No Crystal Room Here.” Yeah, I bet lady. Let those poor women go.
I walked back out to my car and informed my mom that she could add “early onslaughts of dementia” to her growing list of ailments. My mom excitedly informed me she remembered yet another rock and crystal store! According to her, this one actually physically existed.
Fifteen minutes later, we parked in front of this little dump of a store. I helped my mom inside where we were greeted by a passionate geologist. My eyes instantly glazed over with boredom. He was so fucking overwhelmed to have two customers that he would not leave us alone. He kept saying, “Let me tell you a story…” I sat there and politely listened to his stupid adventures with rocks while my mom hauled ass all over the store on her crutches. She is probably faking her injuries.
Eventually, my mom picked out a giant blue spikey crystal with mystical healing powers. Whatever. I handed the guy my credit card. My mom then informed me she was tired and wanted to “go home now.”
*According to my mom, she sleeps next to her magic rock every night and it is totally healing her.
Have a beautiful happy healthy magical week lovers! XO