Mike recently staged an intervention after he discovered me cutting up antibiotics with a razor blade and snorting them off the toilet. He informed me he would no longer write me prescriptions for z-packs until I saw a specialist about my chronic sinus issues. “Michael, it is super inconvenient to have to drive to a bad part of town (anywhere outside my gated community) to find a new antibiotic drug dealer that accepts our insurance.” I paused and sucked in my breath. “I might even have to start turning tricks in my mom car, since I never have any cash on me.”
Mike stared at me with the same vacuous expression that he generally reserves for my decorative pillows and towels. “I would like to remind you that I am not addicted to pain killers like most dentists’ wives have to be.” Mike rolled his eyes. “Okay, well I am going to go ahead and make arrangements to go to that swanky rehab place in Utah where celebs go to cope with their anxiety. I will probably need to detox for a few weeks…” Omg, I might has well have married a chiropractor. They are supposedly “doctors” but can’t prescribe shit, seriously what is the point? Oh no, I have pink eye, can you adjust me? Stupid.
I woke up with another sinus infection on September 11th. Incidentally, this is the worst possible day to get sick unless you have Ebola or your husband is willing to write you a harmless prescription. If you complain about anything on this day, people think you are an insensitive asshole. It is super annoying. I didn’t even mention that my favorite eyeliner was discontinued and waited until the next day to go to the doctor.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I was sitting on an exam table in my doctor’s office, playing with a pair of plastic lungs, waiting for my blood results. My doctor came in and informed me I was allergic to: “Dairy, tomatoes, nuts, eggs, cats, oxygen particles, fun, water blah blah blah….” Please do not say silicone. Please do not say silicone. I can live without food. I cannot live without my implants. “…annnnd finally gluten.” Gluten? OMG. Gluten is what the mullet was to the seventies! I had finally joined the high ranks of trendy, modish white girls! AND I was going to get super skinny!
In addition to consuming only organic celery and probiotics, my new health regime required me to shoot salt water up my nose twice a day to clean out my sinus cavities. Unfortunately, I had no idea that gravity can be a real jokester (dick). I leaned over to kiss Mike goodnight in bed and snot water came pouring out of my nostrils, all over Mike’s face, down his neck and onto his shirt. It was totally disgusting even by my standards and I have seen some gross shit, as my google history will confirm.
Mike claims he still finds me attractive only because he knows this incident was his fault. Things like this NEVER happened when I was a junkie. Not to be overly dramatic but, this was the equivalent of seeing one of your spouse’s poops. You can’t “unsee” a poo made from someone you were once in love with. Anywho, we have decided to stay together for the kids for the time being.
*Incidentally, being anorexic totally agrees with me. I have seriously never felt better in my entire life! Take my normal energy, multiply it times a million and then add an inbred, unneutered, labrador puppy that never gets walked and this equals how good I feel now. Omg. Amazeballs. Get your allergies tested people.
Have a dazzling week lovers. Smoochies and love to everyone, especially the reader who graciously took the time to e-mail me last Saturday morning to inform me I was an “ugly bitch.” Bye now! XO