I recently went to Monterey for Mike’s family reunion. We were at the aquarium when my sister-in-law decided her baby needed to take a nap. I eagerly volunteered to help her back to the car because watching fish swim around has never been a passion of mine. On my way back, I passed a little shop advertising psychic readings. I peered inside and saw a lady clipping her toenails on a table with a crystal ball and a credit card machine. I went inside…
Me: “Hi. Can I please have a reading.”
Psychic: “Yes. Sit Down.” Brushing her toenails off the table and reaching for my hands.
Me: “Would you like some hand sanitizer? I totally need some.”
Psychic: “Sure.” We finished sanitizing and she examined my palms. “Ahhhhhh, I see you have a very long lifeline. You will live to be very old.”
Me: “Could you please only tell me the good news?” I shuddered.
Physic: “I see you have one to four children…”
Me: How could she know this? Shit was getting real.
Physic: “You are married. It will be a long marriage. Your husband is a happy man.”
Me: Yeah, no fucking shit. “Okay, can we maybe skip to the things I don’t already know about myself?”
Physic: “Yes. I see in former life you lived in Egypt and had a lover in South Africa. You two were madly in love. Your cultures kept you apart and rather than marry another, you chose to kill yourself. This is why you are so eager to do everything in this life.”
Me: OMG Reincarnated Erin- You were even more dramatic in your past life.
Physic: “You have come very close to dying twice. I also see you will be coming into a lot of money soon. By the way, you owe me twenty dollars, keep going?”
Me: “Super Fascinating. Could you please elaborate more on the money?”
Physic: “You will learn to use your talent to make money.”
Me: Eew. No, I won’t. I have some morals.
My session lasted another fifteen minutes before my physic needed a smoke and a Diet Coke. I told her I would come to see her next time I was in town but she was already out the door. I went strolling back to the aquarium just as everyone was walking out. I informed Mike I had just spent a hundred bucks on a psychic.
Mike started laughing just as he was taking a drink of water. He started sputtering and choking while I just stood there, frozen in disbelief. Omg. Omg. Omg. Fuuuuuuuck. This was sooooo not how I wanted to get rich. “MICHAAAEEEELLL- DON’T DIE HONEY!!! I DON’T WANT THE MONEY AFTER ALL!!! I LOVE YOU!!!” Fortunately, I sprung into action and started slapping him on the back. He pushed me off of him and gave me a look that suggested I was an asshole rather than a concerned wife with insider knowledge. Annnnnywho…..
I hope you angels have a fab weekend. Be sure to subscribe to my newsletter because my website geek, Jack, finally succumbed to my relentless whining (insert evil laugh) and made it happen. Bye now. XO