It has been two weeks since my mom’s cat, Mr. Whiskerpuss, passed away. My mom was utterly devastated, sooooo I took it upon myself to find her another obscenely expensive, purebred kitten to fill the void. Mike was adamant that I ask my stepfather, Bob, before I bought the cat even though Bob had already paid my dowry and arranged for Mike to marry me years ago. Ass kisser.
As a matter of principle, I make a point to never seek permission from men for trivial matters such as purchasing pets however for the sake of compromise, I decided to be the bigger person. Surprisingly, Bob agreed to my plan so I didn’t even have to buy the thing, drop it off at their house while they were at work and never answer my phone again. Whatever. Glad he was on board.
So last Thursday, my mom came over and was sitting at my kitchen table crying over Mr. Whiskerpuss. I decided it was the right time to tell her that I had bought her another designer kitten that she could devote all her time, affections and life savings to. I told her the new cat would be ready to come home in October so she still had plenty of time to be depressed. My mom stared at me in disbelief and starting sobbing uncontrollably, “Nooooo!!!! Oh, no Erin, I could never have another cat. I miss Mr. Whiskerpuss so much, another cat could never take his place. Blah blah blah.”
I awkwardly patted her shoulder while examining the cuticles on my other hand, “There, there mom.” She suddenly stopped crying and said flatly, “Maybe I will get two.” Caaaaalled it. My mom then manically declared, “We will pick out two kittens that look exactly the same so we don’t have to tell Bob! We will make him think he is going crazy!” Sign me up. I LOVE where this is going.
Currently, I spend my days responding to texts from my mother regarding potential cat names. Truthfully, I really don’t care considering I will probably never see them since I am super allergic to cats. Omg. I just realized this means I will not be able to visit my parents either. Oh no. What have I done? My mom is worried that I have been scammed by a sadistic cat lady and there are not really any teeny-tiny kittens to be sold. She calmed down when I told her I have bought lots of babies from Nigeria over the internet and never had a single problem.
Anywho, my sister and I are hosting a cat shower for my mom next month. My grandma, aunt, two neighbors, a pet psychic and my friend Mer are all coming. We are requesting that in lieu of donations to a wildlife charity like Animals With Alzheimer’s etc. that all guests bring actual presents in the form of expensive cat toys. My mom is registered at PetSmart under my name should you be so inclined as to send a gift. Please note that I have already bought her a couch for her front porch and a mood ring to go with her new look, so please try to stick to the registry. Thank you in advance.
Some people claim that money cannot buy happiness. I do not know these people personally but they are liars. It totally does. XO