My mom was cleaning my house yesterday (calm down, I pay her in cash) when a wave of nostalgia passed over her after she sprayed oven cleaner. She started blabbing on and on about my childhood while I flipped through a magazine. “The minute you were born you shit all over me and have been ever since.” You tell this story every single time there is a family get together.
“I honestly thought you were a lesbian when you were two because you would only wear hand-me-down Star Wars t-shirts even though you had a closet full of pretty dresses.” Of course that would be indicative of my future sexual orientation, never mind that you were still breastfeeding me. “You used to call your dad by his first name.” I was already plotting my emancipation and rationalized this formality would assist with my case.
“Another time you hit your eye on a door hinge when you were a toddler. Most kids run to their mothers when they get hurt, you ran away from me. It took five adults to hold you down at the hospital to give you one stitch.” “I also caught you dipping your teacups in the toilet and drinking from them.” “One time I looked outside and you had crawled into the scoop on a bull dozer.” You tell these stories with the a tone of indignation as though I should have done a better job supervising myself.
“Omg, and one time you were picked to be in a ‘stranger danger commercial’ because you were the cutest little lesbian in your preschool class.” This one I actually remember, the director who was also acting as “The Stranger” kept handing me candy and I was supposed to yell “NO!” and run away. Only I kept taking the candy from him because he was a fucking moron. Every stranger knows you tell kids you have puppies or need directions. Hi. Kidnapping 101.
I don’t harbor any ill will towards my mother for her mishaps because I now know that no matter how wonderful a parent you (me) are, sometimes your (mine) children will act out in ways that are not reflective of their upbringing. For some of you shitty parents, this is good news. For others of us, this is can be extremely disconcerting as I recently discovered when I proofread the alphabet books my daughter and her classmates made for us on Mother’s Day.
A– Airplane. My mom wants to know what happened to that airplane in Malaysia. (Government Conspiracy. Edward Snowden leaked this information months ago. Yawn.)
B– Bible. My mom likes to read the Bible to us every night. (My daughter. Just kidding. Your mom and I are not friends are we?)
C– Can’t Remember. My mom can’t remember anything. (Side effect of antidepressants. Trust me kid, this is the lesser of two evils.)
D– Drugs. My mom does not do drugs. (All moms take antidepressants.)
F– Fifty Shades of Grey. My mom’s favorite book is Fifty Shades of Grey. She likes to read it alone. (My daughter)
G– Good. My mom is a good mom. (Yippppeeee. Next.)
H– Hottub. My mom likes to sit in the hottub with the neighbors. (I freaking KNEW it.)
I– Italy. My mom wants to go there because she thinks the guys hot. That’s why she married one of them. (My daughter. True, but mostly because your dad got me pregnant.)
J– Jerk. My mom sometimes calls my dad a jerk. (Every kid in the class.)
K– Kittens. My mom loves fluffy kittens. (Laaaaaaaaame)
L– Lexapro. My mom takes Lexapro. It makes her feel less angry at how her life turned out. (My daughter)
M– Mike Moroni. Her biggest crush is Mike Moroni. Like I said she loves ‘Italyion’ guys. (Not my daughter. Just kidding.)
N– No Nonsense. My mommy tells it like it is no matter what. (Yeah, I know your mom. She totally has a sack.)
O– Octopus. My mom does not like Octopussies. (Her kid said pussies. So rad.)
P– Pearl Necklace. My mom should get a pearl necklace for Mother’s Day. (I am sure she would love that. Tell your dad to give her one.)
Q– Quilts. My mom has seen a quilt. (Don’t overextend yourself little buddy. I hope she did not go through natural childbirth for your ass.)
R– Reading. My mom likes reading Fifty Shades of Grey over and over again. (My daughter. Seriously, W.T.F.)
S– Swears. My mom swears a lot when we are driving places. (Not the kid who’s mommy reads the Bible to him every night.)
T– Terrific. My mommy is so terrific blah blah blah… (Not my kid.)
U– Understanding. My mom is an understanding person so she married my dad. (I empathize.)
V– Virginia. My mom has been to Virginia. (Fascinating.)
W– Wine. My drinks a lot of wine. (Kudos to her. I would be drinking more than that if I owned you.)
X– X-Ray. My mom had to get an x-ray of her back because she has scoliosis. The doctor could see her poop on there. (Not my kid. No siiiiirrreeeee. How embarrassing. Definitely not me.)
Y– Yoga. My mom practices yoga every single day. (Good for her. Puke.)
Z– Zits. My mom likes to pick zits. Sometimes she pays me to let her pick some of mine. (My daughter. Like is an understatement. I have traded my body to pick them on your father.)
Anywho, hope you all have a wonderful week. Mom- I love you. Coolest and funniest chick EVER. Mike- Thanks for getting me knocked up. I love me some Italyions. Daughters- You are my entire world. Get off of my blog. XO