It has been one week since my sister and niece moved to Ireland. Even more upsetting? They legalized weed in Colorado the day before she left. It would have been so much more fun if she was here to join Grandma, mom and me. However, the worst part of having her gone is that I keep unexpectedly dissolving into fits of ugly crying over everything. Last night I made tater tots and all I could think was, “I cannot believe you are eating these Erin! How could you be so selfish? Your sister is in the midst of a potato famine.” I only ate a few and threw the rest out I was so upset.
I keep picking up the phone to call her only to realize it is the middle of the night in Ireland and it will cost me $50 to tell her that when Mike and I were out to dinner the other night with some of his captivating dentist friends I said, “I would rather eat a placenta than that” while perusing an intricate foreign menu. The couple exchanged uncomfortable glances and reached for one another’s hands because obviously they had eaten a placenta. Erika would have laughed. Actually, in my defense, most people would have laughed because that is really fucking disgusting.
Additionally, I tried reading one of my many self-help books to alleviate my anguish. I even went as far as attempting a suggested mental exercise which consisted of me sitting in complete silence, clearing my mind of thoughts. I covered myself with a shawl, yelled at my dogs to shut up, took some deep cleansing breaths, crossed my legs with my palms upturned and fingers touching in meditative pose. Satisfied that energy could flow freely through all my chakras, I began…
My mind is blank. I am at peace. I wonder if Stephen King’s parents ever thought, “Goddamn. We should have given that boy more hugs.” Focus Erin, you are a spiritual being. If I had to be an animal I would be a female seahorse because the males have to carry the eggs for six weeks and then give birth. Does it hurt them more because they are men? Probably. Pussies. Erin, your mind is clear remember? You are one with the Universe. But do you think those people actually “ate” the placenta or did they spit it in their napkin when the other one wasn’t looking? Did they put the leftovers in the freezer, in a zip-lock. Eriiiiiiinnnnnn…..Okay, okay but that would be a really funny commercial. Like someone holding a zip-lock with a bloody placenta in it upside down or dropping it to prove that the bag won’t break. CLEAR YOUR MOTHER FUCKING MIND. You know what? If I wanted to be void of any thought I would repeat algebra. I am going to Target.
The good news is we can still text each other. Just today I received a message from her asking if I could google something about birth control for her. She said even if their Internet was working, information regarding birth control was probably blocked due to the intense population of Irish Catholics. Because I adore my sister, I gave her accurate counsel so she would not get knocked up even though I would seriously love, love, loooooove to have a really pale, red-headed, fighting, drunk niece or nephew. So.Rad.
Anyway, it is time for my afternoon tantrum before I pick up my children from school. I hope you are all having a glorious week. XO