Before we get to this week’s happenings, I want to discuss something very serious and entirely disturbing with you. I recently discovered a picture of me when I was about three years old standing in front of a fireplace butt naked except for a grubby Star Wars shirt, holding a can of beer. I turned the picture over and in my mother’s elegant handwriting were the words ‘Brat Child 1982’. Um WTF. Seriously? My parents let me drink beer out of a CAN. How disgusting. I bet their cheap asses wouldn’t even spring for a package of new hypodermic needles so I just played with the ones I found at the park. Anywaaaaaays…..
The Day Before We Left For Vacation:
Me: Made sure all suitcases were packed, laundry done, house cleaned, fish bowls cleaned, lizard cages cleaned (I have this phobia where I am afraid to leave my house dirty when I leave for a trip in case I die because people will judge my ghost), made lunch, took kids swimming, spent thirty minutes blowing up two large rafts to entertain children for approx. three minutes, came home set up slip n’ slide, waited for them break an arm on slip n’ slide so I could run them up to Urgent Care, bathed dogs, dogs rolled in mulch just to be dicks subsequently requiring another bath and house vacuumed again, watered flowers one last time before the teenager I hired to do it let them die, picked up dog’s hip medication, stopped mail, grocery shopped for snacks, put gas in car, ripped house apart searching for kids’ iTouches, found iTouches, charged iTouches, kids took and lost iTouches, paid bills, made dinner, cleaned up dinner, took all pets including giant bird to my mom’s, drove home, gave kids baths, considered starting a fight with Mike but ultimately decided I was too tired.
Daughter: “Gosh, it is so nice of Daddy to work so hard to take us on this trip.”
This year we met up with our friends I solicited off of Facebook a few years prior. Chad and Jen are attractive and funny, meeting both my requirements for sustainable friendships. It was just an added bonus that they are not swingers or serial killers. Alas, everyone has their quirks and over time I have discovered that Chad, Jen and their spawn are of the “outdoorsy” variety. Chad and Jen took us on a four mile hike to some secluded beach that was supposedly one of the prettiest places on earth. Not going to lie, it was pretty much amazing. Not quite as amazing as say Nordstom at Christmas time but it was quite lovely.
By the time we returned to the condo three hundred hours later, I was covered in earthly filth and even my uvula (google it) was throbbing. I took a Vicodin and do not remember the next fourteen hours of my life. I am pretty sure I threw up and logged onto Facebook to message my ex-boyfriends and tell them they were fucking assholes but I honestly don’t remember. Personally, I had never equated nature with fun before so it was rewarding to finally obtain the evidence to support my original theory.
My mom obviously forgot to take her prenatal vitamin on the day I was scheduled to develop my sense of direction as a fetus. As a result of her carelessness, my ability to orientate myself is somewhat flawed. Soooo when kayaking day rolled around, I paddled off the dock, down a long canal with my daughter until I reached the river and discovered the entire group had left us. I presumed it was simply an oversight on their part because only a bunch of total psychos would desert a woman and her young daughter without money, a phone, car keys, directions or lipstick on a motherfucking body of water. Anyway, since my intuition told me to start paddling north toward the ocean, I knew I needed to go the other direction.
On a side note, I probably would have made the absolute WORST Native American ever. Like I would have left our village in Miami to go gather berries and accidentally wound up in Detroit. Fortunately my super ripped warrior husband, Big Bulls, wearing nothing but a skimpy loin cloth would show up, glistening in non-smelly sweat, throw me over his tanned, muscular shoulder, onto his snorting white stallion and rescue me. So hot. Anyway, my savant like ability for holding grudges compensates for my inability to follow direction.
I waited until our luxury yellow yachts were all tied to some trees so we could have lunch when I started pelting my traitor family and friends with doughnuts. We returned looking like we had a raging coke party out on the river since our life jackets were all plastered in white powder. Chad then talked Mike into going sea kayaking and apparently they had a grand time because Mike informed everyone that it was “One of the top five best moments of his life!” Mike and I have been together for twelve years. T-W-E-L-V-E. XO