I don’t want to make you feel even worse about yourself if you are a shitty parent, but I fucking kill it as a mom. My daughters are cool chicks. I would probably hang around them even if I wasn’t forced to, except that would be like totally creepy. The other night I was packing their lunches, writing little love notes, thinking about how I was totally aligning them for a lifetime of guaranteed successful endeavors when God kicked me in my vagina for pilfering his glory.
The very next weekend my daughter drank water out of a hot tub. AT A HOTEL. My viral incubation calculations indicated the following week was now shot and I should just cancel my hair appointment and call the school right then since public hot tub water touches people’s balls and other unsavory areas. And like usual, I was totally right.
After being up for two nights with a barfing child, I started to hallucinate. I dozed off with my face plastered into the side of my daughter’s bunk bed and dreamed that I bumped into one of Mike’s exes at The Dollar Store. She casually remarked, “Oh, I am sorry I have been spending sooooooo much time with Mike lately. I hope this does not bother you.” And for some reason I looked amazingly hot that day and I dismissively replied, “Oh don’t be! I would be more concerned about Mike accidentally stumbling upon a parallel universe and screwing an alien.” I then proceeded to stare her down following my verbal slaughter that rendered her speechless, probably forever because it was so good. WTF? I totally hate The Dollar Store and I don’t even know what a parallel universe is.
And then the next kid caught it. Once again I was up all night and feeling angrier by the nanosecond. I got stuck behind an old guy driving ten miles under the speed limit on my way to the store. Normally this would make me smile at him sympathetically because I loooooove old people even though they are super terrifying on the road and sometimes mean. Instead I HONKED AT HIM like a possessed troll going through withdrawals.
Then I went up to the school to complete my volunteer obligations even though both kids were at home sick. A woman who works there reminded me that I could not bring my kids to school until twenty-four hours had passed. She then informed me I would be receiving a letter which served as a reminder to be more conscientious about remembering to send my child to school. I walked out to my car and promptly started crying. After a couple minutes I pulled myself together and went home to start a fight with Mike and yell at the dog for licking its ass.
By Saturday, things were starting to look up and my mom took the girls overnight. They swindled her into taking them up to Target to get some toys and my oldest daughter saw one of those candles depicting Jesus being crucified with blood dripping out of his hands. My kid shook her head disapprovingly and quipped, “Boy, that is a violent thing to put on a candle.” The next day, my mom was laughing hysterically when she condescendingly recounted the incident, “Good Job Erin! She didn’t even know who Jesus was! Bwahahahahaha!!!” I asked my friend Mer if she thought I was a shitty mom and she said, “No. Absolutely not. You are a good mom, nobody wants to see that shit. If I made Jesus candles I would put a cute baby Jesus picture on there, standing next to a donkey.”
Anyway, I have decided to start teaching parenting classes at the local YMCA. We will cover a range of topics including but not limited to: How to threaten your doctor for antibiotics without getting arrested; How to make friends that do not judge you and relate to your sleep deprived manic episodes; How to make your husband feel guilty about getting to go to work; How saying “Goddammit” and “Jesus Christ” in exasperated frustration or telling someone to “Go to Hell” totally counts as incorporating religion into your home; Why guilt is a mom stalker and lastly; How to accept that we are human. XO
Daughters- I know sometimes I stumble but I promise I will never stop trying to be a good mom to you. I love you with a spellbinding ferocity that only a parent can understand. I pray that you will give me grace as we go through life. I am constantly learning. I cherish each of you. Now get off my blog and go do your homework. You are so not allowed to be reading this.