You know how Mike has claimed that my Shih Tzu is the “stupidest dog on earth” well it turns out he was wrong, it is my Yorkie!!! HAHAHAHA FACE MIKE. Some dogs like antifreeze, my dogs like to play in the street and pretend they are deaf. We are not allowed to have fences in our neighborhood because that would prevent the HOA’s specially recruited traitor spy neighbor from peering into our yards to ensure that we are in adherence with the pine verses spruce tree rule #4,976,399,544 so we decided to purchase an invisible fence.
Now interestingly, the Shih Tzu has not concluded that if she eats fallen crab apples, her body will metabolize them into crack and subsequently cause her to tear around the house at full speed, smashing into furniture, climbing walls, frothing, frantically wagging her tail and growling at the same time, jumping up for me to hold her but trying to bite my eyes when I do. It is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen BUT she figured out the invisible fence on day numero uno.
My Yorkie on the other hand continues to run into it……over and over and over again like some fucked up science project. The dude who installed our force field of containment said the shock “does not even hurt them” and proceeded to shock himself using the highest setting to prove that it rendered no ill effects. I then learned he owns two cats of which he has “spent hours” teaching tricks and had professional portraits taken with in addition to belonging to a variety of internet sci-fi gaming “clans” that he considers more of a job than a hobby. Not.A.Joke.
Oh yes, and I have been stealing cable. A couple months ago I decided to set up all our bills to be paid automatically so I could maybe earn Mike’s love. He told me “Good Job” and I glowed from the sentimentality of his compliment for days. Except that I actually did not set up the cable payment correctly and when the bills came I just threw them out without opening them. Today the most ADORABLE woman called to tell me the cable was being shut off if I didn’t make a payment. Like now.
I explained what I had done and we both started laughing hysterically. I paid for everything and she set up our automatic payment so Mike could still watch stupid football or whatever it’s called. She said our bill would remain consistent unless we special ordered any pay-per-view items. I said “Like porn?” She said “Yes, one costumer actually spent three thousand dollars in one month and I had to repeat all the titles back to him because he didn’t remember.” And then we started laughing really hard because it was probably someone I am related to. Anyway, Coolest.Bill.Collector.Ever. I am considering stopping payment just so she calls back and we can chit-chat some more.
And since I am on a confessional roll, I committed the cardinal sin of parenting for the hundredth time today: I threw out my kid’s artwork. My daughter was like “WHY IS THIS IN THE TRASH?!” And I totally lied and threw Mike under the bus “Oh my gosh! Daddy must not have known what this was. I will be sure to tell him to NEVER do that again.” Look, I love seeing my children’s expressions of creativity but seriously, how much of that shit can I possibly save without ending up on Hoarders. Sorry, but there will never be a time when I become nostalgic about a pilgrim cut-out of construction paper. Oh whatever, stop judging me.
Smoochies, I am going to go color with my kid now. Yes, I will probably throw it out. Bite me. XO
P.S. Happy Birthday Chad! I am so glad you were the sperm that won.