Well, this month has been a giant whirlwind of activity. Let’s begin with Grandpa Frank. For as long as I can remember he would laugh and say “The best thing about living is dying.” He was an authority on this matter because he technically died 30 years ago from a heart attack on the operating table before some overzealous doctors shocked the shit out of him and brought him back. I found great comfort in his declaration and subsequently placed “Death” right under Charles Manson being paroled on my checklist of things to worry about. This all changed a couple months ago when his health began to decline. He confessed to my grandma he was afraid to die. Teasingly my grandma said “But Frank I thought the best part of living was dying?” And he grouchily replied “Well, I changed my mind.” Fuck.
A week after Grandpa Frank’s funeral, my sister got married in my backyard. After weeks of fastidious preparation, everything was going splendidly until thirty minutes before the ceremony. I walked outside to ensure everything was to my substandard expectations when I noticed the omniscient skies and heard a deafening crackle of thunder.
Now, in most instances when someone talks shit about me or tries to start something, I simply thank them for the free advertising and promptly forget about their existence. On this particular day however, I was in no mood for nonsense. Who does Mother Nature think she is anyway? This was my sister’s day, NOT HERS and I let her know it. “BITCH ARE YOU THREATENING ME? Your rotten little bullying attitude was old a month ago……..begging you not to rain, hailing on my flowers, hiding in my basement because of your tornado threats, being stuck with my children all day on your snow days. This is going to stop right now. Yeah, you heard me, stand down!”
But seriously, someone needed to tell this unstable broad to caaaaaalm down instead of blasting off tsunamis and hurricanes just because she is having a bad day. Hi. I get frustrated too but I don’t K-I-L-L people; that shit just ain’t normal yo. Fortunately for her, Mother Nature straightened up and created a lovely cloud cover for photographs as an apology for acting like she had a lightning bolt shoved up her butt all afternoon. My sister looked absolutely beautiful and contrary to the rumor circulating, she is NOT pregnant. Thaaaaat was me, at my wedding. (I told you I would handle it Erika. That’s right. Who loves you sugar?)
Onto the next subject of how I was almost killed by a deer on Saturday. Eight years ago I lived in the middle of Nowhere, Colorado because Mike was conducting an experiment on the legitmacy of post-partum depression. It was dark out and I was driving behind a van on a country road when three deer ran out in front of us. The van struck one and kept going while I pulled over. The deer was bleeding badly and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. I moved her head onto my lap, started praying and gently petting her when she stopped breathing. I kissed her head, stood up covered in blood and drove back home. Annnnd here is where it gets spooky weird…..
First, I did not catch West Nile which was pretty awesome. Second, ever since that day whenever a significant transformation occurs in my life, I see a deer. On the day my dog was snatched by some thug bastard coyotes and I was up driving around at 5:00 in the morning desperately searching for him, I saw a buck standing in the road. I knew my precious baby was not coming home. Both times I went to the hospital to have my daughters, I saw a deer. When I was supposed to have surgery on my ovary and the doctors realized my appendix was about to burst, I saw my deer. When I got married, when our house sold, my precious deer would appear to remind me that all was well. So when I woke up Saturday morning, I actually thought to myself “How Weird. Grandpa Frank died. My sister got married. The kids are starting school and I HAVE NOT SEEN MY DEER.”
I grabbed my iPod and told Mike I was going to go take a walk. I had gone a few miles when Jack Johnson’s song “Supposed to Be” came on. I turned the corner and there in front of me was a gigantic buck standing in the middle of the path. We startled each other and he immediately lowered his antlers. Seriously God, this is how I am going to die? I am going to get impaled by a deer? Like fucking seriously??? My life flashed before my eyes as I recalled the countless piles of laundry I had folded, the toilet paper rolls I had changed, my mom car, breastfeeding, more breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping……God, I had so much to live for. Not now. Not now. WHHHHHYYYYYYYY???????
I slowly sat down on the sidewalk and put my eyes down because I am like really intimidating. I waited until the buck put his head back up and snuck a few glances as he just stood there watching me with his head tilted, probably thinking hahahahahaha this chick is a serious pussy. Eventually hebacked up and started walking away. He glanced back to make sure I did not have a rifle and then he was gone. I said thank you to God and annnnnnd then I started laughing hysterically at the choreography of the situation because everything is absolutely the way it’s supposed to be. XO