My Mormon cousin Jill is now selling colon cleanses and wanted me to try one. Jill has 5 kids and is totally sexy so my curiosity peaked. I asked her if it would turn me Mormon. She said no and because my week was already shit, I decided to go ahead and do it. Conveniently, my friend Jen and I had just decided that we were going to venture onto a path of optimum wellness by fulfilling the physical, emotional and spiritual needs that our children had robbed us of.
We had originally made reservations at a yurt in rural Arizona to fast and attend meditation sessions under the tutelage of a recovering LSD addict until I read the negative reviews they were getting on Angie’s List: “So and so died from heat stroke.” “It was so hot in the desert.” “Jesus never showed up like I was promised.” Blah blah blah. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than a hot yurt so I decided to stay home and clean out my ass instead. And this is when I found, wait for it, waaaaait for it……God.
I drank my 10 grams of fiber, waited around to poo but nothing happened which was not surprising considering I have no impurities. I felt fine all day and wondered if I should even bother finishing the thing. Later that night I ran up to Walgreens to buy wrapping paper. I turned onto the card aisle when all of a sudden I got the chills, my head tilted, my stomach gurgled and my knees went weak. I grabbed a card with some stupid kittens on it, my wrapping paper and bolted over to the register.
The cashier hollered at me “I’ll be right there sweetheart, I am just waiting for these photos to finish printing.” Okay. Breathe. Shit Wave Passed. “Golly, it looks like the machine is stuck!” My eyes rolled to the back of my head as she made her way over to me stopping at the magazine rack. “Did you hear about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? That scientology thingy gives me the heebie jeebies.” I nodded politely, swaying back and forth.
“Sooooo who’s having a birthday?” Fuck me. “My husband,” I mumbled, sweat beading on my forehead. “I just looooooove birthdays. Last year my husband and I went 4-wheeling on mine and he bought me a heart shaped necklace.” She felt around her chest and pulled it out to show me. Bitch, I am going to shit on your floor if you do not hurry up. “That is lovely,” I panted. 5 goddamn minutes later she figured out where the bar code was on the wrapping paper. “Your total comes to $12.39.” I handed her a fifty. “Shucky darns, it will be just a minute! I have to have my manager come bring me some change.” I paled and clenched my ass cheeks. “Just keep it,” I gasped as I fumbled with the bag. “Do you want to donate it to the Diabetes foundation? I just need you to write your name on this paper shoe and I will tape it to the window!” “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH THE FUCKING MONEY I JUST WANT TO GO!” And I ran out to my car.
I drove home, locked myself into the bathroom and proceeded to shit out all my internal organs while still holding my car keys. Mike knocked on the door “Are you okay in there?” “No, I am going to fucking die on the toilet like Elvis.” He started laughing. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and call up that oral surgeon friend of yours and go get me an IV and a bag of water.” More laughter. And this was precisely the moment I became enlightened. Like for real. I was expelling the demons lurking inside my intestines, when I experienced a moment of mental clarity. There was nowhere on the earth that I would rather be than sitting on my toilet. I was living in the moment. “SATAN BE GONE! BE GONE!” I yelled.
An hour later, I crawled out weak and exhausted from my spiritual awakening. I told Mike what happened and he said I really was full of shit. More laughter. I swear sometimes he can be such an asshole.
The next morning, my abs were actually sore! Like I worked out! I seriously had not looked this good since I had food poisoning a year ago. OMG. It was only obvious that God had spoken to me and He wanted me to become an intestinal evangelist by helping my fellow brothers and sisters rid themselves of the devil lurking in their colons. But seriously, I pray that your days soon become as shitty as mine. God Bless. XO