This past weekend my family invaded Arizona. My family and vacationing is predictably hysterical every time we go ANYWHERE. First, the girls insist on packing their own suitcases which means I then have to unpack and repack them prior to departure. This time however, my youngest daughter nailed the necessities by packing the book The Night Before Christmas, a dirty bath towel and some shiny rocks, so my job was much easier.
Second, on the days we are scheduled to leave for a trip, Mike curiously always has something to do that cannot wait. This time he intentionally broke off half of his tooth to avoid staying home and helping me yell. Hi, can we get a D-R-A-M-A-T-I-C? He spent all day relaxing at the dentist/day spa while I was organizing the kids, the dogs, the bird, the lizards, my flowers, checking Facebook, texting etc. Third, we then proceed to argue the entire way to the airport because I am haggard and he is eager to go spend some quality time with the little munchkins. Once I am satisfied that my bitching has put Mike in a lovely mood that compliments mine, I like to tell him to “relax” and remind him “we are on vacation!”
*Don’t worry, I have a no-fail method for forgiveness in my marriage. I discovered years ago that when I manage to totally piss Mike off, I can simply pretend to play instruments like the saxophone, the flute or the bassoon (if he is really mad) and he ALWAYS starts to laugh. It is like entertaining a child.
Anyway, we were hanging out by the hotel pool when my 5-year-old asked for a pina colada. I ordered one for her WITHOUT ALCOHOL, repeat WITHOUT ALCOHOL, and watched as she greedily started slurping it down. My mothering instincts sounded their deafening alarm as I pried the drink from her little hands and took a swig, realizing it was totally loaded and instantaneously became pregnant. The bartender apologized profusely for not carding my daughter, saying he could have sworn she was at least 6.
We were immediately surrounded by a hoard of attorneys bearing a fifty-page contract releasing the hotel of any wrong-doing and a notary. I casually informed them I was not going to sign anything unless the drink was on the house. I watched in delight as beads of sweat formed on their brows while they squirmed uncomfortably and exchanged nervous glances. They excused themselves and walked briskly over to a palm tree where we could hear a heated discussion transpiring. I never knew I had such a salacious appetite for power and control. My God, what a glorious combination they make.
Moments later the suits reappeared pale and shaken, with a revised contract meeting my lengthy demands. I admonished them for their utter negligence and listened as they sharply inhaled, avariciously watching as I executed my signature. Following their exaggerated sighs of relief, big toothy grins and a round of back slaps. I went ahead and polished off the villainous beverage and cannonballed into the pool to play “Baby Dolphin” with the girls. OMG, I had no idea that game was so FUN! My kids were totally right! WHOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!! YEAH!!! PARTYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! A couple hours later, my daughter and me ate a loaf of white bread and passed out in the hotel room.
The following day we met up with our friends Chad, Jen and their four happy, polite well-behaved children. Jen and I met through an internet support group for stay-at-home-moms called Facebook. Apparently there is not much to do in Phoenix because they were super excited to take us to see the World’s Biggest Organ at a “cash only” pizza joint in a sketchy part of town. I informed them repeatedly that our children would be accompanying us but they remained undeterred. And to their credit, it was a very large organ. (Truthfully, I have seen bigger but I didn’t want to hurt their feelings –Yeah Mikey, High Five!)
After dinner we went over to see their house so Jen could show Mike exactly how much I don’t do every day by giving us a tour of their Pottery Barn catalogue. Their house was so clean, a successful heart transplant could be performed on their kitchen floor next to the dog bowls. Even their 2-year-old’s dollhouse was immaculate. Not ONE of the kid’s Barbie dolls was naked with a butch haircut or a missing leg. Weird.
Mike looked inquisitively at the vacuuming lines and asked “What are those?” I whispered “Shhh, something is wrong with their carpet, don’t be rude.” And when they showed us their spotless basement my daughter informed everyone that “My mom just opens the door to our basement and flings stuff down. We can hear stuff bounce down the stairs!” Hahahahaha, SHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUT UP. We then settled in and watched a 3D movie on their home theater with comfortable chairs, the smell of pine sol, homemade popcorn, every kind of candy ever made and their yorkie. Yes, it was pretty much the best night of my life, I am getting choked up just thinking about it.
I maintain that I am mostly surrounded by the world’s greatest people with the exception of a couple fucking idiots every now and then. I smile just thinking about the joy I ascertain from my family and friends. There is simply nothing in the world better than having sore tummy muscles from laughing and my sides are constantly tender. I seriously love all you freak shows to the moon. XO