Recently my doctor friend told me I probably had ADD and that I would likely love adderall. My brain instantly began sorting through data until I landed on adderall. Aaaaahhhh yes, I saw a Dateline special about this drug…….teenagers stealing it, soccer-moms getting addicted and selling their children for it. I told him I would think about it but considering I have made it thirty-three years without becoming addicted to anything other than sex it seems sort of pointless.
I informed my friends of my suspected diagnosis and they were like “Annnnnnd this is a surprise to you?” Thanks for telling me assholes. I will be sure to ask you if I ever have a suspicious mole. My sister said “I don’t think you have ADD but you should totally take the medicine. You could have your book written by Friday. I took half an adderall in college and wrote two eighteen page essays in one night without a single error.” Anyway, because I relying on the assumption that I now have ADD I am going be discussing a menagerie of topics in this blog so try to keep up.
I love Halloween. Why? Because it is the money-maker holiday that pays our mortgage that’s why. I laugh my ass off every single time I drive by a goody two shoes dentist office that has a sign outside reading “WE WILL BUY BACK YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY!” Hahahahaha Morons. Bet your accountants are thrilled by your valiant act of Boy Scout morality. Ever since I married a dentist, I have acquired a great fondness for individuals that do not brush their teeth because fake boobs do not pay for themselves.
The most fundamental tradition of pagan holidays is carving pumpkins. Last year some delinquent bastard smashed our pumpkins all over the street and toilet papered my neighbor’s house. I made a crime scene chalk drawing around all our dead pumpkins and then laughed thinking about how much work my neighbors were going to have to do when they woke up. Then I remembered they were out of town and that I liked them. I considered pretending I didn’t notice but that did not seem conceivable so I cleaned it all up. And this is why you should never make friends with your neighbors. Ever. Oh and I also stepped in a colossal pile of their dog’s shit.
Back to pumpkins, a friend of mine has a son with a cleft lip. If I was guaranteed this exact child, I would totally have another one without an epidural because I love him that much. He accidentally dropped his newly carved pumpkin and part of it broke between the nose and the mouth. My friend deemed it “Cleft Pumpkin” and posted it on facebook because her kids thought it was super cool. Affirmative. I did piss myself laughing. I saw her when I dropped the kids off at school and was like “I totally underestimated your valor to buck the social system of PC but good for you. Do you know any racist jokes?” She just said “Whatever. I can say that because I birthed one, sucks to be you.” And then I peed again. XO