Last week I decided to shut down my personal facebook account. Hi my n-n-n-ame is Erin and I am addicted to social networking. (Hang head) I have been sober for almost two days now and let-me-tell-you this is not easy. I am sooooooooo glad I never smoked crack, I heard that shit is even worse if you could possibly imagine. And because I am too poor to check myself into that swanky rehab center in Utah I have just had to grapple with the cold sweats and hallucinations all on my own. It is agonizing not knowing who went grocery shopping, has the flu or can answer twenty questions about me! Ahhhhhhh!
Mike has expressed his disdain for facebook on numerous occasions, so to appease his yearning for an attentive wife I decided to sacrifice my need for happiness rendered by social interaction and have resumed all “none-invasive” wifely duties to date. Fortunately, I found a book in the clearance section at the grocery store titled Fascinating Womanhood to assist me with any questions that might arise during my transition into “domesticated woman”. Annnnnd after scanning the back cover to get a brief synopsis on how to be a good wife, I realized I am now a lesbian. On to other news…..
On Wednesday, my seven year old got in trouble at school for the first time ever. I received an e-mail from her teacher titled “WORST DAY EVER!!!” Apparently my child had to flip not one but TWO cards (this is the American watered down version of corporal punishment for sensitive children, modeled after those uber effective public canings in Singapore) for talking when she wasn’t supposed to. Her teacher informed me that my daughter was positively hysterical. Hi, understatement. She cried for two solid hours when she got home and I was NOT even mad at her. I finally said “Honey, I never even knew my school had a playground because I was always in trouble but seriously look how good I turned out!” She just looked at me and started crying harder. WTF?
Anyhow, she finally calmed down and I assured her that we were going to keep her. This was good news because Mike and I were going to see Tom Petty that night and I wanted to get there before he died. And Yep. It was pretty much AWEEEEESSSSSSSSOOOMMMMEEEEEE!!!! I was positively euphoric, sang every song, screamed like crazy, became hearing impaired and got a contact high. Mike was totally proud of himself for making me the HAPPIEST WOMAN ALIVE because I stalker-love old Tom. LOVE.HIM. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM. AHHHHHHHHHH! LOVE HIM.
We got home super late so I just brushed my teeth and went to bed without taking a shower. I rolled out of bed and took my daughter to school the next morning; her teacher came out to talk to me. I told her in a concerned voice that “we handled it” and “we had a long discussion” and “it won’t happen again” etc. etc. She started laughing and gave me a big hug. I froze and gave her a stiffened little back pat like the one you give the cousin that-no-one-knows-where-he-came-from-and-hugs-you-just-a-tad-too-long at the family reunions. My hair REEKED of pot from the concert. OMG. Could I look like a bigger loser parent? She uncomfortably released me, put her arm snuggly around my child and started walking back to the school casting cold glances over her shoulder at me.
Womanhood is truly fascinating. I have to go make a f’ing roast now. XO