Family

Leave It To Beav

Sorry.  I have been busy, I have not forgotten about you guys.  First, I got stuck in a car wash without my cell phone.  It just kept washing and washing and washing and washing me but would not let me out.  A half an hour later, the kids were like “Just Get Out Mommy.” Hi, it is f’ing winter time in Colorado, no.  I tried to pull forward.  Nothing.  I tried it again.  Nothing.  I was just about to start breastfeeding my children to keep them alive when the back of the car wash opened and I backed out.  Bubbles were all over the place, I could not see very well and I scraped my car on the side of the car wash.

I was super irate and went in to tell the people at the gas station.  They pretended not to speak English and just kept offering me another car wash.  Whatever.  My car was washed like forty times and I only paid for the cheap wash.  Now who’s laughing suckahs.  Anyway, I thought about this for a couple days and then decided I could fix it myself rather than pay my insurance deductible.  I took an SOS pad and scrubbed off the white paint on my black car.  I then took a bottle of black nail polish without sparkles and filled in the bad spots.  Voila.  From approximately 10 feet away you cannot tell anything even happened.  I didn’t even have to tell Mike.  I felt empowered.

Next, I spent 2 days laughing because the hamster I bought my 6-year-old niece for Christmas escaped in her school when she brought it for show-and-tell.  When I asked her what happened she said “Some second grade Chinese kid let him out.”  I called my sister to tell her what a good job she was doing teaching her child about the insignificance of racial equality.  She informed me that “he wasn’t even a Chinese kid Erin; he was just in the Chinese language program at school.”  My niece attends a language school where you are either Chinese or Spanish.  To date, there have been numerous sightings of Sparky in la café or  ????

Then, I spent the next 4 days on the floor laughing because this time my niece learned how to text.  Apparently, my sister was taking a bath when my niece started scrolling through Erika’s phone texting her ex-boyfriends.  (Please note that while my sister he has indeed dated lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of men, she is just picky.  Really picky.  Really, really, really, really, really, realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly picky.)  The first ex my niece sent a text to was watching a movie with his girlfriend….

Niece:   Wen can you wach Avery?

Niece:   I mis you.  Avery missis you.

Niece:   I love you.

Niece:   🙁

Niece:   🙂

Niece:  🙂

Niece:   pqncdiy;pi8h2lhnmc

Ex-Boyfriend:    Erika are you drunk?  My girlfriend is really pissed right now.

The next ex, was a country singer that my sister was madly in love with for about 2 weeks.  We will call him Beav.  Beav would write a stupid song for everything.  At first my sister thought this was endearing.  I warned her that this was going to get really fucking annoying after a couple hours.

“Ohhhhhhh, I weeeent to get some gin and theeeeeeeeeennnnnnn came iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn a saaaaaaaaaaaattt my reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar and drank a beeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr. I am a disgusting sloooooooooooob and I don’t have a joooooooooob.  My girlfriend’s sister is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch and my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllls itch.” Fortunately this impending disaster ended when Erika made the startling discovery that the bottle of vodka she had stored in her freezer for 3 YEARS was frozen because old Beav was slurping it down and filling it back up with water.

Predictably, this country song ended like every other one.  She dumped his sorry ass and told him to never, ever, never call her again.  Sooooooo imagine his egotistical delight when he received a text from her (my niece) that read:

“Hi how are you I mis you avery missis you wen can we plaay?”

Beav:  I knew you would come around Sweetcheeks.  You are a legend here in Nashville now.  I have been thinking about you too, writing lots of songs about us.  I will talk to you soon.

My sister did not respond.  A couple days later he sent her a text calling her a bunch of really mean names.  Poor Erika cried herself to sleep.  KIDDING!  We laughed even harder.  “Ohhhhhh, I called my ex a name and she stiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllll thinks I am lame.  Her sis is a whooooooooooore and I am still pooooooooooooooor.”  XO

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