Cavemen/women divorce rates were exactly the same as they are today. I reached this startling conclusion when I woke up this morning to 7 piles of Shih Tzu puke and 2 pissy children. I called Mike to thank him for leaving the barf for me. He said he knew nothing about it. I told him I already sent a sample to the lab to have it carbon dated and I can pretty much GUARANTEE the results are going to state “we verify with 99.99% accuracy this vomit is older than 6:30 am.” I then fought with my children for the next forty-five minutes to accomplish the challenging tasks of getting dressed and eating breakfast. I was so frustrated that I started to cry but turned my head as not to show any signs of weakness to my captors. Annnnnnd this is precisely what brings me back to cavepeople.
Somewhere along the lines of evolution something got jacked. While I was chiseling away at the dried puke with a butter knife (made by my ancient ancestors) I realized the demarcation line of “hunter” and “gatherer” had become fuzzy. I go to the grocery store, cook it and THEN I clean the shit up. 3 times a day, every single day, while keeping our cave somewhat presentable, caring for our herd and walking our mastodons. I bet you anything when hairy old Bort came home from a hard day of spearing wanting to mate, his wife, Urga, was like “The kids drew all over the cave walls again and I burned the GD root stew, I have f’ing HAD it. Grunt.” Then Bort would stomp out of the cave and slam a rock on the way out. Grunt.
See now, the same shit was happening 65 million years ago during the Paleolithic Era. I think it is funny when I hear people say “People give up on marriage too fast, it is not like it used to be.” Duh, it would have been if they had attorneys. All they had was Larry King. I bet if some archeologist was smart enough to decipher the writing on the cave walls it would be cavechild custody agreements and animal carcass recycling days. I have to go to my cycling class now. That was so smart of them to invent the wheel. Right?! XO