I just took my daughter to a birthday party at a jumpy castle place. She managed to jump about 3 inches of gum in her hair. I just cut it out. It should grow back by Christmas pictures next year. My mom friends and I were cracking up. My daughter tried to get me to go down “Camel Toe” slide with her but I learned my lesson at previous birthday party, hence the name. Um, that smarted. Oh yeah, and I needed to get new brakes today.
Mike drove my car somewhere, came home and said in a serious voice “How long have your brakes been squeaking like that?” I said “Don’t know. I always turn the radio up so I can’t hear them because that sound annoys me.” Mike said “Your maintenance light was also on, did you notice that?” Honestly, no. I am busy during the day. B-U-S-Y. Last week I f’ing forgot to register my daughter for kindergarten because I was preoccupied with our other kid’s imploding adenoids.
My day generally begins with a call from my mother. Today? She called to tell me she visited a “bath house” with a friend of hers on East Colfax in Denver yesterday. “Wow mom, are you pinch hitting for the other team?” “What does that mean Erin? It was wonderful. I am going back Monday, you should come.” She told me that all the women there just walk around naked and it “isn’t even uncomfortable.” Shoot me.
Apparently, she had a massage, a foot detox and a salt scrub by a naked, overweight woman, with giant boobs flopping around (who works at the bath house 2 days a week and then makes tamales on her days off). I am pretty sure I would freak if I got tit slapped. According to my mom, “it is totally hygienic.” Just as you would suspect a bunch of naked ass cheeks convening in steam room would be. My mom then told me she left there feeling really good about her body after seeing what a random sample of the population looks like naked. Good for you mom. Good.For.You.
Getting the picture?! (Eew, I just grossed myself out.) For Christmas I bought my mom an iPod and downloaded a bunch of music for her. Big Mistake.
2 Days After Christmas…………..
Mom: “Errrriiiiinnn, this one is broken. You need to return it.”
Me: “What’s wrong with it mom? That doesn’t sound like Steve Jobs at all.”
Mom: “Who’s that? Is he one of those internet friends of yours? One headphone doesn’t work. I had Bob look at it too. You need to return it. I am sending it over with your sister.”
Me: “Okay, I will take a look at it.”
Mom: “No, you need to go get me a new one. Bob already tried to fix it. (My stepdad is a mechanic). I still want the green one but I want a new one.”
Me: “Okay, I will handle it.”
My sister drops off the iPod. I take one look at it and push the headphones in all the way and handed it back to her. Voila. I f’ing loved college.
The Next Day……….
Mom: “I told you it needed to be returned because this one works fine.”
Me: “Yep, you were totally right.” Rolling over in bed and turning off my alarm.
Mom: “Well, I am just glad they took care of it without any hassle.”
Me: “Uh-huh, we lucked out.” Googling assisted living home prices in Florida.
Mom: “Oh and now that I have you one the phone, I am sending it back out with your sister because I want you to take that Jay-Z and Eminem off of there. Their music is terrible and so nasty. I like Waylon Jennings.”
Me: “Okay, just give me a list of who you like and I will download it for you.”
Mom: “Well, I basically hate everything you put on there, except Bob Marley. Here is who I like: Johnny Cash, Sinead O’Conner, Joan Osbourne, The Rolling Stones…….” I sat the phone down, peed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed, brushed my hair, put on make-up, made the kids’ breakfast and got them dressed.
Mom: “Eric Clapton, Bonnie Rait, Marc Cohen, Willie Nelson, James Gang, Men at Work.”
Me: “Uh-huh.” Silently motioning for the kids to get in the car so I could take them to school.
Mom: “Jack Johnson, Santana, Al Green, Annie Lennox but the only the “Diva” album, Joanie Mitchell…….”
Me: Carefully setting the phone back down, taking the kids to school, swinging by Starbucks, returning fifteen minutes later, quietly picking the phone back up.
Mom: “Some Black Eyed-Peas songs but not all of them, John Hiatt and Robert Cray.”
Me: “Okay, I will get it done for you.” Trying to figure out how to fashion a noose.
Mom: “Only if you have time. Thanks honey.”
So I called my mom and read this blog to her and asked if I could publish it. Her response: “Yes, but don’t forget The Rolling Stones. I want the Rolling Stones.” XO