I don’t mind airplanes, in fact, I rather enjoy them. People are utterly fascinating to me so sitting next to a stranger for a few hours, in close confines breathing the same recycled oxygen brings me immense pleasure. Last weekend on our way to L.A., I had one of the best flights EVER. We were about 30 minutes in the air when I had to use the bathroom; I climbed over Mike and accidentally whacked him in the balls when the pilot hit some turbulence. I steadied myself and made it back to the bathroom right as some guy was exiting. I locked myself in and started to sit down only to realize the bastard had dropped a load (I know! ON A FUCKING AIRPLANE right?) and left part of it stranded in the bowl. Disgusted, I flushed and flushed and flushed until the nasty thing went down and I was finally able to pee.
I opened the door and remarked to the hot, young, and surprisingly heterosexual male flight attendant standing there that “I just would like you to know that I did NOT take that shit in there, the guy in front of me did.” He started laughing and I knew we were going to be great friends for the duration of the flight. A few minutes went by and my new flight attendant friend, Doc, came by carrying a tray filled with coffee cups.
I wasn’t really paying attention when he spilled the entire tray on Mike’s lap and started apologizing profusely. To my sheer and utter delight, I realized the cups were empty. OMG, a flight attendant played a joke? Impossible, everyone knows that is entirely counterintuitive to their nature! Everyone was still laughing when Doc asked if I wanted to be his assistant. I batted my lashes and put my hand to my chest. “Why yes,” I said coyly, “I would positively love to be your assistant.” Eeeeeeeeee! Mike rolled his eyes as I climbed over him, nailing him in the sack once again. Doc told me to go up to the front of the plane and “accidentally” bump him so he could spill more fake coffee on another unsuspecting passenger.
Fortunately, the lady Doc picked was celebrating her 40th birthday (Hi Darcy!) with a group of her girlfriends and was in a rather jovial mood. She didn’t even try to jump up and bitch slap me even when she spilled her cocktail! And, for the very first time in recorded airline history no babies were crying, nobody was bitching about their seats, all portable electronic devices were turned off or switched to airplane mode, trays were up and in their locked positions and the flight attendant had everyone’s undivided attention! We were all united (Note: Southwest is much cooler) as we surrendered to the spirit of lighthearted fun for thirty solitary seconds before the foreign emotion of happiness began to make us feel uncomfortable and we resumed our usual airplane habits of complaining and thinking shitty thoughts about the person sitting next to us. It.Was.Incredible.
I am not entirely sure what I did to deserve my life however, I am a firm believer in karma. I can only assume that I must have been pretty fucking spectacular during my last life. XO