I was driving along a busy road to pick my daughters up from school, when I saw a dog playing frogger in traffic. Now, if there is anything I have a weakness for, it is Italian men and dogs (particularly of the jacked up puppy mill variety). I just knew I needed to help this poor creature! Another upstanding citizen conveniently witnessed this pending tragedy at the same time I did and pulled over to aid in the rescue. Annnnnnnd this is when things tipped the scale to entirely bizarre.
The woman somehow manipulated her body out of her Smart Car. She looked like a leftover hippie that did not get the memo that Woodstock had ended like 1000 years ago. I watched in fascination as she hysterically ran out into the intersection and began rerouting traffic so that nobody would run over the big black lab that was now walking towards me, slobbering and wagging its tail. The woman then screamed at me from the middle of the road to “CROUCH DOWN AND DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE DOG!”
I quickly ducked down thinking the dog had a gun, and almost spilled my latte in the process. She bolted over to me in a state of sheer panic and said “QUICK, grab its collar, I am a professional that works with animals!” I made a very serious face and nodded, as I courageously reached down to take hold of this ferocious beast’s collar who was now divulged in a session of licking its own ass. Apparently unsatisfied with my lack of anxiety and urgency surrounding the matter, she bent down and picked up the dog.
The woman inquired if I was planning to take Kujo over to the local shelter since it was obviously somebody’s pet and not a wild Labrador. I glanced at the dog’s pleading eyes that were saying “Please don’t send me with Nut Job, I promise I won’t eat the interior of your car.” I reluctantly agreed and went around and opened the back of my SUV.
The woman then said in a condescending tone that she would prefer I put the dog in an actual seat since it could jump out when I opened the hatch. I took a deep breath and walked around to the side of my car and opened the side door, like I was Fido’s personal chauffeur. Just as the dog was preparing to jump in, the woman yanked on its collar and peered inside my car. She hollered at me against the traffic noise to, “Go shut your driver’s side window!” reminding me again that she “was an animal professional and this dog could panic, bite my face and then jump out the window.”
Even the dog was looking at her like she was some kind of “extra special” at this point and I started to laugh at the pure absurdity of the situation. Then Hyper totally snapped at me and said “Don’t you patronize me” and once again stated that she was “a trained professional!” At this point, I started to get pissed. “Look lady, I just pulled over to help, so chill out and put the goddamn dog in the car so I can leave. “ Her mood ring turned 3 shades darker than black. She slammed my car door and stomped off in a fury with her dreadlocks flopping around violently and her Birkenstocks desperately trying to stay attached to her mad little feet.
The dog and I looked at each other and started laughing hysterically and that’s when I realized the dog had COLOSSAL nipples and was obviously lactating. I patted the poor bitch on the head, poured some sparkling water in my cup holder and told her that I knew exactly what she was going through. Engorged boobs, sheer exhaustion, crying babies, raging hormones, newly formed cellulite; at least I was able to take medication to make me feel some form of happy again. Not to mention, that after Mike and I mated, he stuck around to help me raise our kids. I was pretty sure Nipples (I named her this) never even heard from the mutt bastard that got her knocked up, especially once he found out she was carrying octuplets.
I decided Nipples could use a little break so I decided to take her with me to pick up my daughters from school. My extremely naïve children were ecstatic when they got in the car; they actually thought I had gone out and bought them another dog to reward them for a hard day’s work in preschool. I told them her name, explained that she was not ours and carefully warned them not to touch her, just in case Nipples didn’t like kids (since she had obviously abandoned her own.) As usual, they ignored me and in my rear view mirror I caught my daughter feeding Nipples a fruit roll-up and letting her lick her face.
We eventually made our way down to the no-kill shelter that was to become Nipple’s new home until her owners came to claim her or someone came in specifically looking for a lactating Labrador to adopt. (Stop, I know what you are thinking however, I am not the asshole here. I totally would have taken Nipples home but Mike told me when I brought our last dog home without telling him, that I was ”1 dog away from a divorce.” He was so pissed that I considered he might be serious.) I opened the car door but Nipples would not budge so I pulled her out and drug her inside explaining to her that being a mom is hard, but that at least her kids would be given away or sold before too long.
Once we were inside, I informed the shelter “intake volunteer” as to how I came to be in possession of the dog. The man just nodded his head arrogantly, as though he had heard this story a million times. It was obvious he did not believe me whatsoever and actually thought I was pawning off my lactating dog. It did not help that at this exact moment my daughters were hugging Nipples, telling her they loved her and that they would miss her sooooooooooooo much. I rolled my eyes and told them to knock it off, reminding them they had known her for all of 20 minutes.
The shelter volunteer stared at me with a look of sheer disgust, as he icily informed me that they “request a $25 donation for pet owners, I mean ‘pet finders’ to care for the animal once it has been relinquished.” I considered telling him that I had already donated all my money to an Amish puppy mill earlier in the day but after sizing him up, decided there was no way I could outrun him if he lunged at me.
I reached in my purse and placed $3 on the counter and told my kids if they quit crying I would take them to McDonald’s on the way home. Ironically, they cheered right up. Nipples was once again, entirely engrossed in licking her ass and didn’t even bother to look up to thank me. XO