A couple months ago, my 4 year old and I went up to the store to get some crayons. When we came out, a woman was standing by my car with her hand on her hip and a surly expression on her face. She pointed to my car and asked if it was mine. I told her it was and then she proceeded to inform me in a bitchy tone that I had pulled up too far in the parking space and hit her car. I walked around to assess the damage. I looked at our cars and could not see what the fuck she was talking about.
The woman then pointed to a mark approximately the size of 2 fornicating gnats on her grill. I started to get the feeling that this broad and I were not going to be good friends, giggling over margaritas on a “girls only” weekend in Cabo. I told her I was sorry and that I would pay for it (since there was nothing there) and went to write down my insurance information. Then Psycho informed me that she “would like to trust me however, she had already called the police.” OMG, right?
At this point I called Mike at work to tell him what happened and that I would not be able to pick up our other daughter from kindergarten. He said in his typical, supportive Italian fashion, “Why DON’ you say FUCK YOU to the BITCH and leave?” I told him “Um, because I would be arrested for leaving the scene of a crime and I don’t want our kids to end up in foster care.” He says “Jesus Christ, I will call the school and tell them we will be late.” Meanwhile, I had 3 police cars surrounding my car with their lights on, a crowd of people staring at the atrocity, and a bawling 4 year old who thought I was going to the slammer.
The police officer walked over to me and asked for my side of the story. I immediately started crying because I am a total pussy and was like, “Trust me officer, I have hit LOTS of cars in my time and I REALLY do not think I hit this one.” In my state of hysteria, I then proceeded to confess all the bad things I have ever done. “And one time, my brother and I pretended to smoke pot in the backyard and I really wasn’t a virgin when I married my husband. And I did not feel one bit of remorse when we gave our psycho dog away and I have flipped lots of people off in traffic and sometimes I let my kids say a bad word when they get hurt etc. etc. etc.” He eventually got annoyed and went back to his squad car without writing me a ticket.
By the time I got home, Satan’s Sister had already called and filed an accident report with my insurance company. She said I had negligently caused $800 worth of damage to her ugly blue car. I responded by telling them that this woman was clearly a sociopath and I completely disagreed with awarding her any monies, unless it was to pay for her medication.
Eventually, after their investigation was complete, the insurance company concluded I could not have possibly caused that much (meaning “any”) damage to her vehicle. They then proceeded to send her $100, which I thought was comical because you just know that made her a whirling tornado of anger once again. As if this was not cool enough, the universe then decided to award me punitive damages and arranged it so that I now see this woman EVERYWHERE! When I am bored, I always park right next to her at my kid’s school just to watch her retinas catch fire as she glares at me. 2 Words: KARMA BI-OTCH!. XO