We used to send our daughter to a Montessori school down the street from us. Every year they would hold a silent auction/dinner to support the school. Because this was our daughter’s first year in school and because we are spectacular parents, I decided to forgo my chemical peel and shell out the $75 apiece for tickets instead. To make this gala event as painless as possible, we made arrangements to go with our friends Aaron and Amanda, who incidentally are also spectacular parents.
When we arrived, we made a beeline to the cash bar. Amanda was super pregnant, so we bought her a Shirley Temple. We walked around and made bids on the gift baskets filled with beanie babies covered in cellophane etc. and then went to sit down for dinner.
Mike’s dental patient whom he sees approximately once every 6 years, graciously changed all of our place settings so that we would have the luxury of sitting with him and his wife. We soon learned that this would be the last table to be served out of a gazillion. I was fine because I was drinking, but poor Amanda was ravenous. I fed her a few sugar packets and snuck her a couple sips of my wine (third trimester, calm down) to tide her over.
Finally, they brought out the food. They served everyone what they ordered but then informed Amanda that they were out of fish and asked her what she would prefer. She said vegetarian. They left for another 20 minutes and returned with food that looked completely different from anything else everyone was eating. We connected the dots and realized that hers was most likely the night security guard’s Lean Cuisine. I am not entirely heartless, so I switched our plates and gave her my vegetarian meal whose contents could at least be identified. Surely, the alcohol would kill any bacteria I was about to consume.
The superintendant then stood up to make a speech to give recognition to a few really ambitious parents. And hold on folks, this is when it got TOTALLY awesome… He said “I would like to recognize one parent who has gone above and beyond this year, Lisa, come on up here!” And omg, 2 LISAS stood up! After an uncomfortable and totally awkward pause, the superintendant then said, “Oh, and you too Lisa, um that’s right, we had two Lisas working hard for us this year! You come up here too!” He starts clapping. This moment became pivotal for Lisa #2. Would she sit down and wallow in humiliation OR would she walk up there godammit, and take the credit for that she apparently thought she deserved?
Her decision was made, “Afterthought Lisa” victoriously started working her way up to the front and then…..TRIPPED AND FELL! Everyone gasped and went silent. Fortunately, she bounced back up and managed to make it to the stage without getting struck by lightning. Unfortunately however, Amanda and I were perfectly useless at this point. We were laughing so hard that I was afraid she was going to give birth right there in front of everyone. Our embarrassed husbands said goodbye to the captivating populace at our table, while Mike thoughtfully covered for my behavior by pointing to me and mock-drinking from a bottle of wine.
Amanda and I were forced to sit down in the parking lot because her cervix started dilating. Tears were pouring down our faces and our husbands acted like they had no idea who we were as they kept on walking. Finally Amanda was like, “Jesus, I wonder what she did to piss off God today?” I started howling again. It must have been something really bad. XO