Family Latest Life Motherhood

Dear Daughters

Dear Daughters, I know you are all at ages where listening to me is utterly monotonous. I get it. Trust me, Dad has felt it for 15 long years. However, I am asking you to read this and then you can go right back to your phones, iPads, and laptops.…

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Beauty Latest

Our Lips Are Sealed

Lisa: Did you know our vaginas are atrophying as we speak? Erin: Duh. This is why I suffer from anxiety. I lie awake every night worrying about my old vagina. So what have you signed us up for? Lisa: I received an email from a doctor who wants to laser…

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Latest Life

The Truth Will Set You Free

For some reason I looked your website up tonight. It’s been a long time since I have seen you. I remember when your mouth was much more delicate. I know that same essence of beauty still remains inside of you. It would be humbling if you could raise your talent…

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Children Family Latest Life

Don’t Touch Brown Coral

My daughter picked up a human shit on the beach. Yep. Ya’ read it right. We had just arrived at our relaxing island destination for vacation. Our room wasn’t ready yet, so we decided to go exploring. Mike and I were strolling along an absolutely pristine beach, hand in hand,…

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Family Latest Life Pets

I Told You to Stay

I took Broccoli to the vet for a check-up. My old dog happily obliges. He loves the vet. Not because he is a hypochondriac. He loves everyone. His blood work came back. The vet wants to run a few more tests. Something is not right. I am skilled at detecting…

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Family Latest Life

High School Reunion

My 20 Year High School Reunion is coming up in a couple of months. I can’t wait for people to be like, “OhMiGawd Erin! You haven’t changed a bit!” And I will secretly laugh since I know it is because I still get zits. Fortunately, my mom saved my scoliosis…

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Jobs Latest Life Money

Odd Jobs

My sister and I were recently discussing all the things we have done to make money over the course of our lives. Growing up poor was awesome because there was never a job that we were too good for. We freaking loved to make money and we were straight up…

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Beauty Latest Lisa and Erin

Superficial Vains

Erin: (Laying on Lisa’s table getting face lasered) “Ow. That fucking hurts. Are you about to start your period? Based on the joy you are eliciting from afflicting pain on my face, I can totally tell your progesterone levels are nonexistent.” Lisa: “You know what hurts? When I tell you…

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